For the first time since I got ill (over 10 years ago now since the first signs) I feel like the ground is solid beneath my feet. That slippery, out of control feeling has passed. The constant fear and anxiety has subsided. What I have been left with is a clarity and calmness that I have only had glimpses of before.
Whilst the M.E. is still there, it is a quiet whisper most of the time. I can carry on being very busy for a good few days before my body tells me to rest. At that point, I now listen and I rest. I don’t get scared or panic about the symptom I just stop and rest. I had a very busy weekend and every second of it was wonderful but by Sunday afternoon my body screamed stop. Fortunately I’d planned this rest stop in so when my body began to ache and shake and my breathing became difficult I only panicked momentarily then went to bed (at 7pm). I told myself it would pass if I rested and I fell into a deep sleep. This morning I’m still aching and my breathing is still a little shallow but I do feel rested and my brain is working. I’ll give myself plenty of space this week to rest.
I had my last consultation with my nutritionist from The Optimum Health Clinic this morning as I feel I am managing fine now. It was lovely to be able to tell her that I can work and study now, that I don’t have to worry about walking too far or being in unbearable pain. I still have a way to go on my healing journey and maybe I’ll never quite reach ‘normal’ but what matters to me is how I feel about my situation. She told me to be proud of how hard I’ve worked, and I am. With the help of the psychologist at the clinic I have worked hard to become less anxious and more confident and assertive. I feel more like myself that I have since being a child. I speak my mind without fear of rejection and feel comfortable in my own skin; which, for someone who suffered from anorexia and a crippling fear of rejection, is so huge. I think I finally understand what the saying “you can never truly love others until you love yourself” really means. The depth of love I feel now that I love myself is astounding. By love myself I mean listening to what I need and asserting those needs and allowing myself to ‘speak my truth’.
To all those who feel trapped in the depths of suffering I send you my love and promise you that above the storm clouds there is always blue sky. Keep searching.